Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
