you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
