When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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