He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
