This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
