I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
