First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize