she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
