People with herpes should wear stickers.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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