i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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