I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
