oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
