Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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