plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
