I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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