Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
