I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
