There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
