Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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