Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize