you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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