I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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