he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
