At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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