New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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