You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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