You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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