sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He told me they were just razor bumps!
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
