Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize