Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
