Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
