Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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