I heard we made out
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
