I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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