sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Operation Purity has been aborted
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
