She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
