Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
