READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
