dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
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