mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
