Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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