Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
