he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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