living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
