I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
