I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
