physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
