after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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