I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
