Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
smell my finger.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
She even gives head with a lisp.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize