I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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