i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
There are leaves in my underwear?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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