shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
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