best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
