Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
