just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
