If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
