11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize