Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
