You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize