Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
