I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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