Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
