I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
