Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize