He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize