We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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