My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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