my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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